Speaking(or Not) to a Grieving Person
I read an article today about Grieving{(What to Say and What Not to Say) to Someone Who’s Grieving by David Pogue, New York Times, 2/14/19} and it reminded me when my son Ibrahim died he was stillborn at 7 months. I think that people don’t know what to say.
So they say the things they think you want to hear and it comes out very wrong. In Islam when some dies we say ”From Allah we come and to him we must return.” We say this all the time. Everyone expects to hear it so there is no shock when it is said. For instance, I heard things like–”maybe you shouldn’t have used the microwave from people at work.” “You’re young so you can have more kids, don’t worry about this one” and “Maybe you should have not worked so long, you should have taken maternity leave as soon as you found out you were pregnant.”
David included this one in his article and it’s a dusey.—– “My only child, Jesse, committed suicide at age 30,” Valerie P. Cohen recalled. “A friend wrote, ‘I know exactly how you feel, because my dog just died.” I see this as a comment that may work well with dog lovers but for non-dog lovers they may not.
I think you should say what’s true to your heart but you should remember that it’s not about you and it is all about them. One statement that works is “I’m sorry for your lost.” Pretty much works every time.
If it is a friend find out if you can do anything for them, like make phone, calls or send emails on their behalf, or just make a cup of tea.
Some people may want to talk about the deceased person other’s may not. You can ask the person if they would like to talk about the deceased. It’s always a good idea to ask or take some queues from the person.
I remember being at the mosque one evening and someone mention my stillborn son to me. Nothing rude or inappropriate but just mentioning his name just sent me into a state of uncontrolled crying. I mean I just lost it. I grabbed my daughter and just got out of there.
“To be fair, knowing the right thing to say doesn’t come naturally. We’re neither born with that skill not taught it. Our society generally avoids talking about death and grieving. Many of us haven’t had much experience with people in desperate emotional pain, so it’s not always obvious when we’re helping and when we’re hurting.”
Things not to say
1. I know how you feel! No you don’t. The fact is, your situation may be similar on the surface, but the relationship is what makes each similar situation so vastly distinct. Our pains are unique to the people and memories we lost. So, no, you don’t know how I feel.
2. How are you doing?
This is a difficult thing to tell you not to say because, at its heart, it does show compassion. However, the nature of this question is what makes it off-limits. The question assumes the person has processed their feelings enough to be able to articulate them. The question assumes, as well, that not only have they processed their feelings, but that they want to talk about their feelings with you.
3. He’s in a better place.
First of all, you don’t know this. Nor or you sure what their feelings are regarding the afterlife. You only really know your own feelings on the afterlife. This is a bold statement and is usually spoken with a lot of confidence at a time when boldness and confidence has no place. These are not the emotions that should be placed or forced on a grieving person. Keep the atmosphere light and respectful. 4
4. She brought this on herself.
For real, is that what you want to lead with? Do you want to be remembered as the person who said this? Even if you think that she brought it on herself, if you know she brought it on herself don’t say it. That is a thought you should keep to yourself. The grieving person may still be processing this loss. This loss could be significant to them. If you feel that she brought it on herself maybe the grieving person feels the same way. So not only are they grieving but also angry. These are very strong emotions that will take time to heal and process and can be very destructive if not handled properly. You are there to assist and a source of comfort and nothing else.
5. Aren’t you over him yet, he has been dead for a while now
We all process grieve differently. Some people process a lost in less than a year and some people take a decade. It really is not up to you when someone is over their loss. Not just the physical person is gone but the companionship, the comfort they provided and all the hopes and plans for the future that they were to be involved. Sometimes the grieving person now has serious financial issues that have to be addressed. They may not know where to begin with all the things that have to be handled now that the deceased person is gone. They may now have much more responsibility than they ever had in their life. So they are grieving and feeling overwhelmed. Give them as much time as they need to get over there loss and whatever other feeling they are dealing.
Some Thoughtful Things to Say
1. I wish I had the right words, just know I care.
2. I can’t begin to know how you feel, but I am here to help in any way I can.
3. You and your loved one will be in my thoughts and prayers.
4. I am always just a phone call away
5. I am usually up early or late, if you need anything or just want to talk
When words fail you
1. Give a hug instead of saying something
2. Saying nothing, just be with the person
I hope the list of things to say will assist you when you find yourself with a grieving person. Those who know grief know it cannot be solved easily and know that they cannot always make things better. The things you say should be based on your relationship 1) with the person who is grieving, and how well you know what is hurting them 2) your personal relationship with grief.
Two last thoughts
First, keep in mind that there is no magical thing you can say to make a grieving person feel better. Nothing will undo all the pain they are going through..
Second, instead of focusing on what you should say, focus instead of listening to them (if they want to talk). Don’t force them to talk. Ask questions that lead to their feelings, let them tell their own story in their own way.